fusion lunch sydney harbour - west circular quay

last wednesday, i had what i hope to be my last chemo session. it was uneventful as i nearly threw up even before the cytotoxic drug was infused. with the help of sleeping pills, i was able to face the session much more relaxed. two days before the session, i took a sleeping pill instead of a hayfever tablet by accident. up to now i think i am paying for this mistake. my sleep pattern has been badly affected.

i managed to sleep alright last night thank goodness. in the previous nights i would say that i had less than 30% of the sleep time required to stay healthy. i think i will blame the stress of the chemo & other things going on as well as my recent usage of sleeping pills.

had my cat scan this morning and it felt worse than the scan i had last july. lucky i didn't remember the effects of contrast dye as it was fed through the cannula. it was an unpleasant warming feeling, foul taste in my mouth and the feeling that i was going to wet my pants. i was also worried as the tube got pulled when the machine was going through the rays. i nearly threw up. i am so much more susceptible from vomiting just by thinking and smelling chemo related things. but who wants to dwell on these things. i have much better things to blog about.

firstly, i am very much convinced i won't have to have chemo again for a while. i am sure my oncologist will indulge me if i say NO to more chemo. i am also so looking forward to my upcoming trip to the Gold Coast to recover. i have spent the past few days obsessing & booking the trip. Yay!

last sunday, spent time with cousins, pigging out and laughing out loud. i had a much needed haircut and even went to church. bumped into friends as well. st peters is far from the grandeur of st patricks but i was glad we went there this time. the homily was well delivered and the priest was so camp it was funny. the sounds of thunder as it poured outside added such convincing special effects. singing the hymns however did not move me as much as it did a couple of sundays ago in st patricks wynyard. hard to believe it but i actually cried (well, maybe part of it was hayfever really) a lot singing to "here i am lord", the closing hymn in st patricks 2 sundays ago. i was standing next to mum and it reminded me of my early childhood (way before i turned 7) when she used to take me to church on sundays and after my regular doctor visits (i had chronic asthma until i was 17). i remembered the days when i would really try hard to impress her by behaving so well and concentrating on praying. from a very early age, having learned it from mum & her family's side, i knew how to communicate to God and ask for his blessing. and of course from that age, i knew how to follow the rituals and carried myself as i was an angel. i remember how i used to read in her face what she was praying for. she was praying for me. praying that i stay healthy and be cured from whatever ails me. now that i am adult, it is so moving believe that she continues to have the same devotion. the same patience to keep praying for me not thinking whether i deserve it or not. i still have the skills to play the "angel" but guilt attacks me more these days. if only mum knows the naughty things her youngest boy had been doing in, maybe she would hesitate in seeking god's help for me right now. i am quite sure she would love me no less if she knew but it is perhaps more of my guilt that makes me feel sorry for her. i am also guilty these days of not showing her how much i love and respect her. i tend to get annoyed these days by the smallest things like how she doesn't hang the teal towel correctly or not setting the table with the correctly matching cutlery. i cried because of this. i cried because i am sick. because i am scared. i cried because i wish i didn't have cancer. i cried because i sometimes think that god has given me cancer to punish me for my sins. i cried because i also knew that it was so stupid of me to think so. but maybe it was words of the song. or maybe it really was just the pollen in the air. whatever it was, it felt so good to cry. the last time i cried, it was in march this year when i was all alone in the hospital the night i was told it was possible that i only had six months to live. i cried because i was tired from the brave act i had been playing all day. and i am sure prior to march this year, it was possibly some time in 1996 that i cried last.

yesterday, there was no crying involved in my part. i had a perfectly beautiful day. it was meant to be a farewell lunch for steven but he was not able to make. he felt bad and he probably cried about it but adam & i understood too well the stress of it all. we got take away from what we now consider "fusion" restaurant in circular quay. fusion because the name is scottish and the food is french american. it was actually mcdonalds - french fries is french right? to watch the harbour and passing traffic was so much fun the hour went to quick. tried to walk adam back to his office but only got up to AMP shops (BIH:sck/tug/navyshirtkhaki.me=1) on the way back to the car, i got to browse in the museum of contemporary arts, candle factory & crafts centre.