january blogging

thursday 30 december 2004
waited for cousin R to wake up to confirm if R will be able to help me move more of my stuff to the city pad today. by 3pm, gave up and just drove myself with Dad. took faster than i expected. as i was driving, i received a txt msg from Amy & Jim. my new friends fr Csurfing. after unloading the car, arranged to meet Amy & Jim in Wynyard park.

meeting Amy & Jim was so much fun. luckily, i was wearing the same T-shirt as my Csurfing profile. it was an accident but i told them it was deliberate. we hit it off straight away. as we walked from the wynyard bus depot via st patrick’s, i told them what i know of the area and played my “tourist guide” role so well. the original plan was to have a drink somewhere in the rocks but since the afternoon looked so great, i suggested we walked the harbour bridge to north sydney. and ofcourse they were game. it’s been a long time since i have crossed the bridge and i don’t remember having done it often from south to north.

the walked was quite pleasant. the blue/ pinkish/ orange sky was the usual pretty sydney sunset. jim took the opportunity for some photos and as i posed, i was conscious of the possiblity of it being posted on line. everytime i think of walking this bridge, the good old days with PR from the office comes back to mind. this was one of the many locations/ backdrops of our deep & meaningful conversations. carrying our laptops, me walking the opposite direction to home (as i lived in chatswood then) and catching the bus back whilst PR would continue the trip via train to Ryde then later Miranda. at once stage i even walked this bridge all the way to surry hills. one of my favourite walks for sure. of the unforgettable runs include when it stormed whilst we were in the middle part. we ran & of course it didn’t take me long to lose my breath.

amy, jim & i continued chatting and it was so good to hold such endless conversation. it actually felt too quick to reach the other end and it seems that the opposite direction is perhaps more scenic. we compared about things we had done & places we have visited. i was jealous of them a little bit but acknowledge that their form of travel does not fit my personality. at times, when i hear loud americans, i get so annoyed and because i was sure our conversations were carrying across far, i wondered whether we were annoying someone else then.

as i had promised them and i almost begged, i shouted them to a quick pizza in capitanos north sydney. they did agree that the tasman special is one super nice seafood pizza. and possibly the best in sydney. during the converasation, i came out to them about my cancer. their reaction was quite good as i have not really previously experienced telling strangers about it. it came up as i mentioned my upcoming return to work. i had told them i was excited about it. i even planned to show them the office as i had my badge with me. said farewell at north sydney train station, with an agreement to meet up later during the week again for more fun. caught the train back to town hall and i was a little bit tired but had definitely enjoyed myself a lot.

31 december 2004
yum cha lunch with C, A, J and 2 of J’s friends. haven’t been to marigold for ages and it was nice to catch with C, A & J. we compared NYE plans and in the back of my mind i remembered how i welcomed 2004 with A & J sipping champagne on the main dance floor of ARQ. i was aware of saving up my energy for later.

as arranged with A & D, met up with them in platform to nth sydney at town hall. station was packed with NYE revellers looking young+ very eager to party. i was trying to look back two years ago when about the same time, me N & A were going to the same destination. P North Sydney’s NYE party. from memory, the penthouse afforded a great vantage point for Sydney’s NYE fireworks. i brought a bottle of red wine and took a long time to convince N to join us. at the time, N & I were not yet as close even though i had living with N for nearly a year. two years on and if N was here now, there would not have been such an effort to convince N to join us. NYE 2003, A warned me to tone it down as the guests were probably on the conservative side. didn’t know what to expect esp after knowing that some of the guests were catholic church officials. i couldn’t forget the kilt, youngies & P’s very nice & youthful partner. but later the night, we found out that there was no point for us to tone it down. it turned out that the other guests were on the corrupt side in the first place. so NYE 2205, i told A that there was no need to request me to tone it down.

as we walked into P’s apartment, NYE 2003 came back clearer and how impressed we were of it’s location & high appointments. P mentioned the unit was recently networked completely via wireless and the music piped through this set up for the whole night with a mix from 70s to now. drinks flowed immediately and P played the perfect host. the beauty of the sydney harbour made A & speechless. the camera phone straight away clicked posing pics of the sunset. and what made also made us breathless was a group of youthful hai’s.

it didn’t take me long to embarrass myself by being crass. A from the mountains (AFTM) was asking D about relationship and as D was telling the group of about one of D’s break up from a >5 year relationship, i said something along the lines of “so let me guess, you caught X in bed with someone else?” in other circles, i guess my comment would have been considered funny full stop but this group seemed to have been too shocked by it i almost felt like one of those loud + boisterous jokers. too bad, i say. as i answered AFTM’s question regarding where i lived, my “surry hills/darlinghurst” was quickly interjected by “centre of the g universe” (or something like it). all i could say was, “but of course”. if AFTM knew i had been living with my parents and going to Nepean for my treatment for the past 9 months, AFTM’s reaction would have probably been different. so i guess i was pigeonholed. later on as the night continued, i detected a hint of bitchiness from AFTM. the poor young person, already bitter at such a young age, i had thought. but then again, it was probably the alcohol. AFTM’s partner was perfectly nice and i guess they make such a cute couple. A & i had thought they were quite cute and we even included D in our game of trying to work out who tops in either of them. naughty really.

i was never a big fan of NYEs. not fireworks either. when the first lot started at 9pm, there was very few wows. in fact, i had thought that the sunset was a lot prettier. but me and sunsets are just old friends really. 31 dec is really just another date. however, i clearly remember what i felt as i welcomed 2004. and knowing now how painful 2004 is, i really should not have celebrated NY 2004. i remembered conscious of not making a fuss. but i did sigh as the clock ticked past midnight 1 jan 2004. i said to myself, “what adventures would i have in 2004? i hope exciting ones!!!”. did i know 2004 was going to be life changing --- did i know it would be so painful? was i really ready to let it go? or am i afraid of 2005?

right through the night, we did attempt to socialise. we should have made a lot more effort i guess. i was however glad i got to sit with D & we got to have one on one talk. D had a couple of drinks and perhaps well lubricated to be more open. D honestly told me what challenges D is faced with and the issues with A. to a point where a temporary separation was on the cards. i played the diplomatic me but obviously with my best friend’s interest. adventurous as it sounded, possibly living with A might not be the best scenario.

as the midnight fireworks came, A, D & i were up on the highest balcony. the 3 harbour firework firing points, the bridge, darling harbour & the lights from the watercrafts were visible from where we were. the firework wows flowed. and my wish for 2005, was quite difficult. i can’t remember now exactly but maybe along the lines of “less pain” ... or to be more morbid “painless/ drama free death”. wow, that’s scary to see in print. it’s different when it is just on my mind, i guess. the optimistic me kept fighting and trying to say to myself to wake up and be careful of what i have. i was so glad i agreed with A to come tonight. i am thankful of A’s love/ friendship and whatever we have. without A’s txt messages, my chemo visits would have been much more painful. without sleep over, shopping trips, gold coast fun, adventure stories etc etc, all else would probably have been boring.


spent the first day of 2005 at home. had an in house lunch/dinner. was asleep most of the afternoon and it was quiet anyway as many missed it despite the yummy palabok etc. day 2 & had an afternoon trip to manly with sis & M. had wood fired oven pizza for dinner.

foam party
sunday 11pm & met in marbury before going to the foam party with A, J & C. didn’t know what to expect as i’d never been to one. i thought A & J were taking a bit extreme by having swimming costumes. when we got there, definitely was a good idea. wore shorts so was okay but the foam/ bubbles get you wet so my shoes were drenched after 5 seconds on the dance floor. wasn’t that slippery either. this party would have to be one of the best i had been to in arq. lots of new, youthfould, faces esp of asian origin. wow, the RQs would be feasting for sure. and what made it cuter for me is that they were not Potatoe Qs! good on them i say. if only i was that much braver, cuter when i was young – i probably would be podium dancing too. but i was on the podium for a short while. spent most of the time on the viewing level. feasted on the happy faces, good music and hot action.

c was having a great time. esp when the rumours of what happens under the foam turned out to be true. they were bbacking??? wooooo! i shouldn’t be surprised. lots were so out of it on some drug.

me on the other hand was seriously over analysing my emotions. thinking i probably would be down there if i wasn’t sick. but it was cold-ish but maybe because i am much more of a bigger wimp now. what was going through my mind was similar to the thoughts i had NYE. what’s next? and is partying over for moi? should i really be here? do i belong?

went downstairs and got stuck there for a while as they were limiting the crowds. when i got back upstairs to my original spot, spent less than 2 hours and made my way home. later, i found out that A, J & C stayed til 7am atleast.