part 3 january bulk blog

wednesday 19 January 2005
sailing on a two person boat with P, talking deep & meaningful (as usual), the boat suddenly capsised. we managed to get back on the boat and reach the shore. my biggest worry was not drowning. P was calmer than usual. P never even finished the swimming lessons Mr Phillip Optus paid for. what worried me most was the black escada bag containing my digital camera, iFake etc etc. panicking + trying so hard to chase it, i managed to try and be sensible about it. i say to myself, no point chasing it now or looking for it. it’s all wet and probably dead by now anyway. so, i then tried to be strategic about chasing it and in vain worked out the direction of water flow. it seemed very shallow and not too murky but it was still hard to find. it was very upsetting. whilst i felt so sad about it, i woke up. it was only a dream. but there was the loss i felt lingered. i told myself as I tired to go back to sleep that it was just a dream and to get over it. and even if it wasn’t, I clearly remember telling myself that holding on to material things and regretting it’s loss is pointless.

what a weird dream. i often over analyse my dreams and sometimes i understand what brought it on. or atleast i think i work it out. P was in the dream because i miss P’s company. no one ot have lunch with and talk out the deepest of our feelings and emotions. the colours i remember were blue and white. it didn’t feel particulary cold but the setting did not seem to be in australia. maybe thailand or even philippines.

after sleeping again and waking up the second time, i chuckled about how i so heavily clung on to what i felt as the dream played itself in the drama of my mind. i woke up keen on doing housework. yay. managed to iron & load washing for sis with kylie’s body language dvd as background. but before that, righ after breakfast, dad came over brought freshly cooked pakbet. tried so much to explain to him that the city circle train line flows in both direction at museum station.

finally resolved the digital set top box / antenna issue. called foxtel and confirmed cable connection available in the building. account/ service transfer will cost $100 and now scheduled to take place this coming monday. yay. cheaper, i get cable tv and i will get digital reception of my favourite tv channel- sbs!

as i am writing this, i am in the reception area of HOAC St Vincent’s public hospital for a port flush. took 15 minutes from my apartment but it was a nice walk via oxford street. the public hospital doesn’t look too bad. it wasn’t too dificult to find the area but i guess the instructions previously given to me by one of the nurses was detailed enough. HOAC is a funny name for Cancer Centre. it’s supposed to stand for haematology, oncology & chemotherapy centre. i don’t know which sounds better. as i walked in the main street entrance in victoria street, i tried not to focus my eyes too much on the people around me. i guess, i didn’t want to be reminded what sick and worried people look like. but i did manage to see sick & worried around me. and i was so aware that i was one of them. i wonder if they could tell just by looking at me how heavy/ sick/ worried i felt. probably not. i have a very casual & relaxed look. my billabong-trucker-army cap, country road peach pink-distressed-print-fade shirt, navy diesel shoes, brown wraparound sunnies and SMH navy bag surely did not look like i was going to a hospital, the urban summer coastal town look, i call it.

whilst waiting to be attended to, i looked at the other faces waiting in the reception area. an elderly french couple reading a european trash magazine. a thai lady carrying an expensive looking bag and looking quite scared. a caucasian lady in lime green reading a book waiting for her son to finish treatment and be taken back to the ward. she was later escorted by one of the male nurses. there was a man who was talking to other relatives on his mobile phone about the person he was obviously accompanying. he even arranged & confirmed future ct scans & appointments for his cancer affected loved one. i flicked through my favourite sydney magazine and then started texting TRO (the red one). i mentioned i was in st vincent’s and invited to later meet up for a walk in the park or even coffee at the quay. TRO immediately called and asked in a very worried tone why i was in st vincent’s. i quickly re-sent another txt saying not to worry and that i was just keen to catch up and talk CA (confidentiality agreement) stuff. such a sweet friend – TRO!

it was almost an hour wait before i was called into the nurse’s room. i thought i was going to be treated by one of the male nurses but it was the same lady who first greeted me in the nurse’s station. she was quite nice & i felt relaxed. i had the option to lie down but sat up on the bed & popped my arm on the firm pillow. i ddin’t feel as agitated as i last felt. there wasn’t much nausea this time either. the cleaning solution they used was iodine and had no smell. loved that. as she bent to stick the needle in though, i got a whiff of her scalp. yuk! so i turned around and inhaled a different direction. we got chatty and i off loaded some of the honest anticipation i’ve been having towards needles in general.

once the port flush was finish, i tried to call N as N lives in the area. but no answer. spoke to dad who was in manly beach with mum & arranged to meet later back in the apartment. i decide to stroll and see the rest of darlinghurst/ kings cross and walk my way towards hyde park/ circular quay. as i neared the corner of bourke & william, N returned my call. N was apparently cooking earlier and would like to later see me to deliver a home made kimchi fried rice. yum. bring it on. i say.
walked to the domain, pitt street shops
bih: myer/black shirt/ soap suds
then shopped in david jones deli. got a sausage roll, crab & camembert quiche, chicken & avocado quiche, caramel nun (gateaux). shared these with mum & dad but gave the nun to N. kimchi fried rice was so yummy. N has been successfully honing the cooking skills. N was not impressed M did not like it. i loved it and ate more than half even though i was already full from the david jones goodies.

thursday 20 january 2005
bih: shoppingworld/striped shirt/glassbeadnecklet/niptort/military/jstrap/tpbmbmbrbk
after work, sat down on the grass area east of the anzac war memorial looking towards hyde park in. watched the city skyline and the storm starting to unfold. got picked up by C in front of the building whilst the first rain drops started to hit hard the dry & hot pavement. returned the stupid set top box in kmart finally. had a kebab dinner and enjoyed lots of eye candies.

managed to have serious one on one regarding my state of mind and what mental challenges i face with relevant to cancer. this was brought on by a remark about how unattractive big tummies are. am glad i got to voice out how tired i feel about it all. C is always caring and i sometimes worry that C will be burdened by knowing how difficult I carry my cancer. but i guess C appreciates the openness.

C parked in front of V & E’s first Glebe apartment. walked towards the valhalla with a throng of film goers. we are watching what was was meant to be the only sydney cinema screening of latter days. and tasted of the upcoming MG film festival. so thankful C organised tickets. i have always loved qscreen films. as we lined up in the foyer, so many familiar faces. i commented how there was no way you could swing a cat without hitting a village resident. he he he. and previous victim within an arm’s length in the queue. hai hai hai.

it was a packed cinema although the seat next to me was vacant. the old queen to my right did not listen to the usher’s plea to refrain from leaving seating gaps. snob. well, i guess it worked to my advantage as the chubibo smelt anyway. yuk.

i gave the film a rating of 15 out of 10. this one will need to be added to my collection for sure. i missed a few lines as the crowd was too noisy reacting to how funny, sad, romantic and hard hitting some aspects were. it was about faith, romance, hedonism, miracles, coincidence, cheesiness etc etc. sometimes it was reaffirming and at times it was downright corny. the story line was believable or not. it could happened. and some of it probably happened to many of the audience at the screening. the part about being beautiful and shallow must have hit a lot of raw nerves. ouch. that would hopefully teach some to drop some of the attitude. but ofcourse that applies to most. me ofcourse one of the guilty parites.

when we left the cinema, we got to walk through the end of the storm. so i made sure i had a shower right after arriving home. i did not want to to get sick of course.


friday 21 january 2005

8am met TRO (the red one) in the service reception of my apartment. walked via hyde park. TRO mentioned that D & TRO are going to spend a weekend in tasmania soon after finding cheap flights. i am jealous ofcourse and would book my own flight but got discouraged when realised that it will cost nearly $800 just for the airfare. had a fusion (corner of pitt & park) breakfast. bacon & egg muffin. yum. sat across floor to ceiling glass window facing the pedestrian crossing towards gloria jeans. eye candy high traffic area. hai hai hai.

told TRO what has been recently bugging me. similar to what i last night mentioned with C. i am tired, not motivated, worried about my upcoming CT scan. most of it has “so what” peppered in between sentences. so what if get a ct scan. so what if it’s bad news. so what if my low enthusiasm of late has nothing to do with cancer. so what if my bleeding last monday had nothing to do with cancer. told TRO about the bear last monday and we laughed and giggled as usual. told TRO about D’s chocolate IKEA excitement last saturday. as if it really was such a naughty act. he he he.

had to get my laptop to desktop support for memory upgrade & temp files purging. running too slow & memory low. just like my brain i guess. agent Hai showed me how to defrag and of course sneaky me got the name of the consultant who was ahead of me. was a bit worried agent Hai was going to come across one of my virus files. it was a worry enough my ICQ prompt came up as my laptop was restarted.

so “S” P-a-e is my known fields when i do my directory search. i clearly remember doing this before when i saw “S” at the shift one time. how would I forget falling in love? esp with something tragic playing in the background. and to think i scrolled through all consultants in the nth sydney building directory just to find out “S” name and picture. here is another sample of my romantic, obsessive and hopeless fantasies.

had a chat with my boss and we sat a task of me starting with actual tangible deliverables from next week. not doing much in the past two weeks has limited shelf life and fun levels really. am glad i get along with K.

had lunch with Y. glad we did not join a bigger group and instead enjoyed our personal and honest opinion of the current team dynamics. “there are ambitious back stabbing career climbers everywhere so just be careful” was the moral lesson of the day. am thankful Y is there in P’s absence. I sometimes feel guitly of talking too much with Y as I know Y is a quiet introverted person. I see Y and still hurt for Y when I remember Y’s mother’s passing. of colorectal cancer too. so the last thing Y really need to face is another cancer victim.

bih:shoppingworld/blueshirt/weddingband/redback.comidtagnecklace/sck/svallow

it was tiring to browse around wynyard (so many players – hai) i rested in martin place. met with TRO & D for a drink at No 1 lobby bar. oh and to reminsce. it was where TRO & i first met. gave TRO the silver brushed aluminum pocket mirror from bayswiss. a thank you for putting up and continuing to share adventures with me.

got HAPPY news from J. J received a letter from immigration confirming success of J’s Permanent Residency application. this is so good as it means J stays with us without having to worry about visa expiry. now N just needs the same luck this year too. and ofcourse A was jumping for joy too. bumped into them on the corner of goulburn & wentworth.

met Sunshine in front of my building. dumped my bag in the apartment as we strolled through oxford street to dine. ended up in this small japanese restaurant as we decided to give the high cos$$$ts of eating in Hikaru. the tables next to us were inspirations. oh such lovely sticky rice. ahem, if this was the quality, then who would want potatoes. but kebabs are nice too i guess. he he he.


25 january

greenwood lunch with T. had korean. updated each other with recent escapades. asked how t has been handling married life. T laughed and said it had been quite annoying recently because of E’s whining. career, shopping, going out, not going out etc etc. apparently E gets annoyed when they visit ‘the gym’ as E doesn’t get the same results as T. that’s what happens when you are exclusively potato. told T i am aware of the recent renovations and quite impressed particularly with the blue light trimmings in the steam room. T reminded me of the promise T previously made regarding taking me to B line one day. this came up as i suggested them try kensington.

chinatown haircut + shower

after my mediterranean haircut in chinatown i was deciding of the next activity mindful of my later appointments. walk home or browse? it was annoying to walk around with little hair so I needed a quick shower. and a bit of steam wouldn’t hurt. he he he

bumped into M after my second round. M believed it was quiet. we made a big noise as we saw each other as it had been awhile. last saw M before I left for dallas last year. updated M with my 2004 dramas and it was good to chat. admire M for M’s quest to have a child. definitely could relate. M’s Lao partner are sure serious about it.

bih: 1/rice/Storium/blkroom/2/henk/thumbup

home by 7:30pm and after a few phone calls, we were set for J’s PR celebratory dinner. yay, finally got to go to longgrain (no2 of sydney’s best restaraurants in 2004). didn’t have enough time to get ready but managed to re-shape/ clean up eyebrows. black ssleeve twin chest pockets shirt, black flat pants, black with white trim diesel shoes. looking very trendy, i felt. face, megan galed & matted & warmly scented with NU YSL. special spring wild orchids with an oriental finish.

started with a mojito cocktail. yum. vodka, lime & mint. didn’t take long to get happily tipsy. such a hot place. located within the H village, clientele was pepperred with locals not PDA shy. within seconds of entering the bar area, spotted my lollies for the evening. drooled + fell in love as usual. tall ASJ was a real pleaser. enough for me to sing “i will always love you” as we walked past later in the night.

got allocated to sit on the high tables. dimly lit, we all of coursed looked divine. A & J recommended the 6 dishes we had. enjoyed even the lime fish sauce. N surprisingly loved the fish wrapped in betel leaf. M did not complain about the sweet caramelised pork. M was full of long winded skits as usual. 3 mains, 3 entrees, $45 pp excl cocktails for 5 people – not too bad! worth it for sure.

it would have been nice to cap off the night with a bop at the shift but too tired and tipsy. settled with a chat on anzac war memorial steps watching bats fly over head, the full moon and the S crowd ready to party and invade the villate.


another weird dream …

don’t know what brought this on. perhaps watching ‘before sunrise’ dvd brought back the hopeless try hard romantic in me. the dream was vivid as usual. quite heart warming too. it felt like a flash back to 1989. I couldn’t figure out the setting for this dream but it certainly felt like I was back in booti booti hill. but this time, it was only me and morgan. i don’t remembering making a big fuss as morgan entered the scene but it felt like morgan was returning to me. i asked morgan about coleta but apparently it was ‘anita’. we didn’t seem to need to talk much. perhaps i was content enough with seeing morgan. as i placed my head on morgan’s lap, morgan was usual physically conscious and commented how morgan might be smelly. but i saw past this and saw nothing but beauty. morgan’s blue eyes drowned me and I had no complaints. it didn’t become more graphic than that comforting connection but it certainly made me feel loved enough. when i woke up, I continued wondering where & how morgan is these days. happily married with kids in the burbs? would morgan even remember the daily love letters which were not called love letters at the time? it was funny how typical teenagers, we spent the whole day together but later that night, we still found the time and energy to write each other letters. morgan’s voice tape, with a selection of music recorded from morgan’s cd collection on side b,is one of the things i cannot let go of. no matter how much I try to cull the hordes of rubbish I have accumulated. the closing part of the voice tape, where morgan (with the cheltenham accent morgan has been trying to hold on to despite living most of morgan’s life in sydney) says:

“till the day i die, i will always love you” …

but it wouldn’t be healthy to listen to it over and over again, i guess. people move on and perhaps m’s intention was different form what i wanted it to mean. if i see m again, apart from plattitudes, i really wouldn’t know what else to say. but the good side is, no matter what, i hope morgan is happy right now. happy with morgan’s live/lifestyle choices. and am very thankful of those romantic teen years. well, i was a late teen then, morgan is two years younger. he he he.