Manly Fairy

Friday 4 Feb

Got a day tripper ticket on my way to work. That way, I knew I would not be tempted to change my mind about TRO’s invitation to go out later that night. Or succumb to the pressure of going to the launch party in Hyde Park. I knew I wasn’t in a right frame of mind to attend. I knew that it was more likely to depress me so I wanted to avoid it.

After work, I tried to encourage TRO to join me on my ferry trip. I was upset that TRO seemed to be making an excuse, using the “I am too tired” for anything to be helping me. I had hoped TRO would accompany me. Just like in year 2000 when I wanted to take a ferry trip to celebrate my 30th birthday. I had a suspicion that if we were doing something that suited TRO personally, the energy levels would be different.

And so at 6:10 pm I left Circular Quay for Manly. It was a lovely trip. I was playing tourist in my own home town and I was enjoying it. But I am sure I did not appear to be enjoying it. It was too painful to smile as I felt very low and empty. I looked around at the other passengers and it consisted of those going home after work, tourists and one cancer depressed Village resident. The sky however looked great. the harbour, bridge and opera house was magnificent. When the ferry passed The Gap, it got a bit choppy. I did not mind the rocking sensation. I knew I wasn’t going to get sea sick as chemo was a lot more tough than a little choppy harbour waves.

When I arrived in Manly, I went for a stroll to the beach and looked out to the sea a lot. And sat in the bathroom a lot too. Waiting for my tummy to settle. And other things to maybe start. But nothing happened.

As I made my way back to the wharf, the sunset got more colourful. There was a crowd sitting my the steps of the wharf looking at the headlands on the western side. There were photographers trying to capture the beauty of it all. By my side was a mum and son. The Son would be in his early twenties. They both looked happy and content. I wish I was there with my mum. But I guess even if I was, I would not look happy and content. I miss the days when I would hang out with her and feel her love. Now, when she is around me, I pity her because I know of the pain she goes through worrying about me.

I sat in the front of the ferry as it made it’s way back to the city. Passengers would have to be tourists for sure. Their cameras were ready to snap each lovely vista. As we arrived towards the Opera house, the camera flashes were non stop. It was beautiful to look at the city buildings, all lit up. As the ferry moored, it almost felt dramatic as it looked like we were entering a stage where all the spotlights were focused on our destination. Seeing how inspiring it all looked, I had not much option but do the trip again. So I got back on the ferry as quickly as I got off. The second return trip back to Circular Quay was not as grand as but it was just as fun. As the ferry earlier left Manly, I sat in the front with a bunch of what I assumed to be Eastern European students. It wasn’t easy to determine the language they were speaking but it seemed to be a mix of Italian, Russian, Polish and German. It didn’t stop me pretending I was one of those Lukas movies. And they had that kind of look too. There was even a hint of the purple Kristos Kristoff scent in the air. It was quite nice as I felt the last radio sensations.

That night, two return ferry trips to Manly and a bus ride to Whitlam Square including my train ride to work this morning, my day tripper ticket was well worth the $15 it had cost me. It allowed me to avoid the launch party and TRO’s plan to go to manacle.

Later that night, I was furious as Sis didn’t get home until after midnight for two nights in a row. From 11pm, I was already nagging her. But only in head of course. I sent her a txt to say I went off to bed. I was worried and annoyed that I could not stop worrying. In my mind, I played the scary scenarios of how I would tell our parents something bad has happened if something bad did actually happen. I knew of course that nothing bad was going to happen. Sis don’t really share the same bad luck as I do. But it was really bad that I could not help it. Earlier in the week, mum was asking me how late sis has been getting home. I could no longer help it so I told her very gently not to be angry about and instead talk to sis direct about it. I understood how she needs to enjoy her city life and going out after staying back really late at work can only be expected. I often told her how I was not setting a curfew time and I just wanted to know her ETAs as the area around us in not really safe for single gals. lt was really annoying that I was playing mother. And it was making me grumpy. As if I needed to be more grumpy than I already am.