north sydney girls high

2 – 4 march

been chatting to DRG and JK a lot via instant message. it was a constant effort to re-focus on business related issues when the thoughts that flowed between my finger tips and keyboard were mainly related to romance, lack of it and the delusions that keep hopeless cupid challenged losers like moi. it was lots of fun though. the object of my affection, stef from HR, kept my office friends laughing and energised despite the annoying fact that we were in the office to make the global companies we work for, continue to generate billion of dollars more than microsoft. at one stage, there were screams in my cubicle as i showed them stef’s office directory profile picture, tiled in my desktop as wallpaper. the boss got into the act as well. she carried on long and hard about her office “to do lists”, and it excluded business related issues. we chatted and gasped about who the “team players” are and the boss got shocked about some who sit and jump “the fence”.

one lunch time, stef was in the kitchen preparing pizza left overs to be heated in the microwave. as i placed my smelly lunch into the machine, in a big butch voice, i politely asked if i was pushing in. stef said “technically, not”. my “okay, cheers” reply was of cool indifference but in actual fact, i had fainted from the arrow cupid had once again struck my heart. with “my funny valentine” by harry cornick jnr playing in the background. my officemates were giggling and supporting me in my hopeless but convincing pre-puberty antics. the day after that, i had kept returning into the area where stef was, ferrying whatever sort of kitchen utensil i could find as an excuse to be get a glance.

i convinced myself and my colleagues that my fantasies were not unfounded. at least more than a year ago, stef and i actually danced with each other in my favourite local tragic bar. it had happened one friday night. i was groovily bopping + flashing my irresistible smile. my charm worked well not only on the cute AC (arabic charmer) i was interested in but whole group of office colleagues. a few days later, as i was rushing into the office foyer, i noticed stef smiling at me, but it took me a very long time to tie it back to that incident. i remember stef’s smile from the time i was dancing with their group. i was sure stef danced with me as an excuse for AC to get nearer me. we exchanged lots of suggestive glances but nothing much happened as i was too cool to make a move. as it got later, i lost their group . from then onwards, i had been wanting to check whether stef lived in the village too. or perhaps stef was just taking overseas program managers and showing the best of sydney. but now a lot of time has passed and it seems silly for me to approach stef and say, “hey, was that you flirting with me the other night (a few years ago) whilst christina aguillera’s dirrrrty music video was playing????” and “by the way, i love you!!!”

to make my stef obsession less tragic, it has to be explained that JK, whose cubicle is right next to mine, has a crush on our office barista. the problem is JK thinks the barista might be batting for the wrong team. and i am not even sure if it was me who gave JK that idea. although JK admits it is just a fantasy/ morning eye candy, the idea that a future lover is from the wrong team/ or a double adaptor (jk’s own words) is an issue. but not an issue that warrants any judgement but more of an information only basis. jk apparently just needs to know so that gender or preference can be filed into a defined category. the cheeky me could not resist to play with jk’s need to this by challenging jk’s way of thinking. i kept suggesting barista is probably a kylie minogue lover. lover of her music, her sexy features or her sexy lingerie range. the degrees of liking each of the above category will or should define barista’s gender/ preference.

bih: // sydneycentral/myer/1/feed/blueshirt/2/jo/vatch/vog/str8?/opendoor/doesthishelp

my best work related achievement for this week would have to getting stef to smile at me as my office colleagues and i were leaving to get lunch. friday night pub drinks revolved around that achievement and my plan to play billy ocean’s “suddenly” as our wedding march. as stef and i exchange vows, minnie ripperton’s “loving you” will be played too.

i have tried to use my cancer an excuse for my behaviour. but actually, i have not felt like this for a very very long time. going gah gah is not really me, i try to convince myself. but the weird thing is, i probably would have gone on this badly about this stef business even if the cancer doesn’t exist. but then again, maybe, i have been acting like this so my office friends can see the marc who has a silly teeny crush. instead of a silly marc who doesn’t know how to move forward with his life with cancer. or the little life that is left because of it. either way, it’s really sad. but who wants to cry about it? i don’t. at the moment, i find it very funny.