emailing TBO

Copy of corro to TBO (the black one)

Hey TBOLogged into vodafone but it won't let me access d pxt u sent. Damn it. And I was so excited to see your photo. You gotta send me a pic via email, OK?

I've actually been feeling really down and quite difficult lately. I have never ever felt this low before. So even though I am back in Surry Hills, it is so not the same. You know what a happy person I am and being grumpy is not me. But after returning to work, my motivational & energy levels have been remaining under the acceptable level. I don’t think it is work though. I actually enjoy a lot of it. I guess it's part of being sick although it's so weird that on the physical level, I have been expecting myself to be close to back to normal by now. Maybe, I just need to re-set my expectations.

TxtMessaging with you helped a lot though. It made me feel connected and even though you are not close to me, I felt that you are still there and loooourving me.
Friday night was awesome. It was great that TRO unexpectedly went out with me with another friend, K. K works for Qantas and I have known K for 17years now as far back as school days. We went to a total of 4 clubs and I drank more than I should have. Vodka lime soda is so yummy. We started 10pm and kept going til 4:30pm. K was so shocked that I was into all these things. had probably always thought I was a boring stick and K'd never seen me drunk. And the usual things happened. TRO+ I giggled a lot, K played the scoring game with us, danced silly, thought StoneW smelt like vomit and at 3am, K and I had to get something to eat. Sausage rolls. If you were here, I was imagining we would be sharing two dishes as usual. Indian, Vietnamese, Kebabs, Hungry Jacks - whatever it is we end upstuffing our face.

And the funniest and probably one of the naughtiest of the night happened at the shift. As soon as K & I got there, this spaniard who looked like a very young & good looking rockstar/movie star started giving us the SMILE. It turned out that O's english was very bad. But with my equally bad Spanish, we managed to communicate the basics. Like "I want to Kiss you" etc etc. O was probably only after K but the pushy me got in on the action too. Might not sound fair but K already has a live-in young English partner (more than 2years now I think). O got so drunk other people were getting angry with O as they get burnt by O's cigarettes. I ended up having to translate & apologise. And apart from that, got to kissy kissy. AAAAArrrghhhhhyyyy. As I left, O kept saying "after disco, your place". I really wanted to. But with my sister as my flatmate, it didn't appear to be a good thing to do. See, if you were here living with me-that would be no problemo at all.

It's a pity, you & T didn't work out. But man, don't give up. You can't entirely blame the "village life" for that! It's difficult to find a perfect partner - no matter what. I wish I had one. Doesn't have to be very good looking. Average is ok but no airhead muppets please. Oh, and they have to be able to dance, eat out and be in lourrrved with me lots & lots.

Tell me more of your kisi kisi action with your new SAMOAN lover in your next email. And keep sendingthem to me. I need you to keep in touch lots because I get lonely.Take care
Sat, 29 Jan 2005 14:41:15 +1100From: TBOSubject:hey littl boy...good to hear ur better and that urback to ur place and ur normal life style...hahah....omg did u seriously goout lastnite...oh well, at least u had a goodtime aye...mejust stayed at home and watched porn hahah.eeewww naughty boy...oh well imsingle now so i can go back to my slut life again...hahahanyway, me and t broke up...im sick of t getsjealous over me and c...we got into a massive argued over the phoneand i told T i dont need a partner who dont have any faith abtme..abt lastwk or two wks ago i told im going with c and c brodaand sister…tsaid its fine...and when i rung the next day…tvoice changed..i knew something is up, asked whats wrong and said angry with me going out with c and friends...i was likebt u fucking said its ok to go out with c & family...so i dontknow what problem is fuckin idiot...anyway, t gone up to hamilton...i was like thatskewl bt i dont want us to be together again....so yea, someone take meaway please im sick of this fucking "village life"....i always end up in afucking broken heart..first l and now this bloodysamoan.....man, i wished i was there aye.... i so wanna come and play hang man with yahahah....anyway, enough of my probs.....i went on this chatlineand i met up with this samoan ...hot hot..i went to samoanplace and we just kisi kisi...i felt samoan's bonita and i was like omg...howno im not gonna XXX my up for that XXX thing hahah...so yea, wegonna meet up again....and maybe we will try it then hahah....
ok thats news from my end...so hold back when uget this msge..

part 4 january bulk blog

26 january

had a good sleep last night and didn’t even need radio last night. did some house chores but loved fussing over changing my sheets. lime green tafetta. sounds tacky but it looks divine. i was really reluctant to go out. maybe the australia day crowd wasn’t for me. when i left the apartment, i had no definite destination. maybe the beach, maybe the park. whatever it was, i had to take advantage of the beautiful day. i didn’t want to mope around dreading my ct scan tomorrow. sent a txt to TRO earlier but have had no reply. but i knew not to hold my breath.

before I reached the top of the hill, i had to rule out the trip to the beach. left the travelten in my fat wallet at home. once i got to the pedestrian crossing, i decided it was good to be out. people wathching fun. yay. avoided hyde park crowd and headed straight to the domain listening to my ifake.

bih: //teen/nikenavyblueT/cap/uct/gvhead

watched the fighter jet sky show flying overhead the busy crowd walking along art gallery road. had to plonk myself down facing the domain adjacent to agnsw. once i had the energy to stand up again, walked towards my favourite farm cove spot. but it was taken. a crowd of military-bearsish-looking h village residents having a picnic. such a shame i couldn’t join them. they weren’t even the scary type.

plonked myself again watched the crowd and sky go past me listening to my mostly cheesy love song mix. received a phone call from TRO and once again TRO redeemed my love (as if at any time it was ever lost). agreed to further talk later to confirm appointments.

before 8pm TRO,D & i were sitting in Zenpan ordering japanese. genmaicha, agedeshi tofu, gyoza for me. yum. two appetisers but i did cheat by having monggo & pork chop at 6:30pm. had a lovely dinner and it was nice to chat and forget about tomorrow. talked about me missing out on the upcoming tasmanian weekend.

it was funny to talk about the pseudo military training i did and corrupt stories with my classmates. those teen days were quite fun to look back on.

ct scan 27 jan

barium meal seemed sweeter this time. had a nervous bowel movement just before going into the room but apart from that there was no major dramas. i had that ‘so what’ frame of mind so i wasn’t to apprehensive i guess. the cannula was painful as i expected. the lady who administered it said she remembered me from the last time and said that i was probably used to it by then. was a bit dizzy afterwards. by the time we got back to the city, after resting a little bit i managed to go out again and shop. bought the tuberose scent & bath pack from david jones.

friday again and arranged to meet up with Qantas K to go meet up at the shift at 10pm. TRO managed to escape the schedule and came with me. the shift was scary so we went to manacle. funny. the average punter would think the other way around. as soon as we enter manacle, K kept saying “ i hate you. i hate you. i hate you”. halfway through the first beer and once more patrons entered, K enjoyed it. we didn’t leave until a couple of hours later. by the time we entered palms, the tragedy and tragics were way way into it.

part 3 january bulk blog

wednesday 19 January 2005
sailing on a two person boat with P, talking deep & meaningful (as usual), the boat suddenly capsised. we managed to get back on the boat and reach the shore. my biggest worry was not drowning. P was calmer than usual. P never even finished the swimming lessons Mr Phillip Optus paid for. what worried me most was the black escada bag containing my digital camera, iFake etc etc. panicking + trying so hard to chase it, i managed to try and be sensible about it. i say to myself, no point chasing it now or looking for it. it’s all wet and probably dead by now anyway. so, i then tried to be strategic about chasing it and in vain worked out the direction of water flow. it seemed very shallow and not too murky but it was still hard to find. it was very upsetting. whilst i felt so sad about it, i woke up. it was only a dream. but there was the loss i felt lingered. i told myself as I tired to go back to sleep that it was just a dream and to get over it. and even if it wasn’t, I clearly remember telling myself that holding on to material things and regretting it’s loss is pointless.

what a weird dream. i often over analyse my dreams and sometimes i understand what brought it on. or atleast i think i work it out. P was in the dream because i miss P’s company. no one ot have lunch with and talk out the deepest of our feelings and emotions. the colours i remember were blue and white. it didn’t feel particulary cold but the setting did not seem to be in australia. maybe thailand or even philippines.

after sleeping again and waking up the second time, i chuckled about how i so heavily clung on to what i felt as the dream played itself in the drama of my mind. i woke up keen on doing housework. yay. managed to iron & load washing for sis with kylie’s body language dvd as background. but before that, righ after breakfast, dad came over brought freshly cooked pakbet. tried so much to explain to him that the city circle train line flows in both direction at museum station.

finally resolved the digital set top box / antenna issue. called foxtel and confirmed cable connection available in the building. account/ service transfer will cost $100 and now scheduled to take place this coming monday. yay. cheaper, i get cable tv and i will get digital reception of my favourite tv channel- sbs!

as i am writing this, i am in the reception area of HOAC St Vincent’s public hospital for a port flush. took 15 minutes from my apartment but it was a nice walk via oxford street. the public hospital doesn’t look too bad. it wasn’t too dificult to find the area but i guess the instructions previously given to me by one of the nurses was detailed enough. HOAC is a funny name for Cancer Centre. it’s supposed to stand for haematology, oncology & chemotherapy centre. i don’t know which sounds better. as i walked in the main street entrance in victoria street, i tried not to focus my eyes too much on the people around me. i guess, i didn’t want to be reminded what sick and worried people look like. but i did manage to see sick & worried around me. and i was so aware that i was one of them. i wonder if they could tell just by looking at me how heavy/ sick/ worried i felt. probably not. i have a very casual & relaxed look. my billabong-trucker-army cap, country road peach pink-distressed-print-fade shirt, navy diesel shoes, brown wraparound sunnies and SMH navy bag surely did not look like i was going to a hospital, the urban summer coastal town look, i call it.

whilst waiting to be attended to, i looked at the other faces waiting in the reception area. an elderly french couple reading a european trash magazine. a thai lady carrying an expensive looking bag and looking quite scared. a caucasian lady in lime green reading a book waiting for her son to finish treatment and be taken back to the ward. she was later escorted by one of the male nurses. there was a man who was talking to other relatives on his mobile phone about the person he was obviously accompanying. he even arranged & confirmed future ct scans & appointments for his cancer affected loved one. i flicked through my favourite sydney magazine and then started texting TRO (the red one). i mentioned i was in st vincent’s and invited to later meet up for a walk in the park or even coffee at the quay. TRO immediately called and asked in a very worried tone why i was in st vincent’s. i quickly re-sent another txt saying not to worry and that i was just keen to catch up and talk CA (confidentiality agreement) stuff. such a sweet friend – TRO!

it was almost an hour wait before i was called into the nurse’s room. i thought i was going to be treated by one of the male nurses but it was the same lady who first greeted me in the nurse’s station. she was quite nice & i felt relaxed. i had the option to lie down but sat up on the bed & popped my arm on the firm pillow. i ddin’t feel as agitated as i last felt. there wasn’t much nausea this time either. the cleaning solution they used was iodine and had no smell. loved that. as she bent to stick the needle in though, i got a whiff of her scalp. yuk! so i turned around and inhaled a different direction. we got chatty and i off loaded some of the honest anticipation i’ve been having towards needles in general.

once the port flush was finish, i tried to call N as N lives in the area. but no answer. spoke to dad who was in manly beach with mum & arranged to meet later back in the apartment. i decide to stroll and see the rest of darlinghurst/ kings cross and walk my way towards hyde park/ circular quay. as i neared the corner of bourke & william, N returned my call. N was apparently cooking earlier and would like to later see me to deliver a home made kimchi fried rice. yum. bring it on. i say.
walked to the domain, pitt street shops
bih: myer/black shirt/ soap suds
then shopped in david jones deli. got a sausage roll, crab & camembert quiche, chicken & avocado quiche, caramel nun (gateaux). shared these with mum & dad but gave the nun to N. kimchi fried rice was so yummy. N has been successfully honing the cooking skills. N was not impressed M did not like it. i loved it and ate more than half even though i was already full from the david jones goodies.

thursday 20 january 2005
bih: shoppingworld/striped shirt/glassbeadnecklet/niptort/military/jstrap/tpbmbmbrbk
after work, sat down on the grass area east of the anzac war memorial looking towards hyde park in. watched the city skyline and the storm starting to unfold. got picked up by C in front of the building whilst the first rain drops started to hit hard the dry & hot pavement. returned the stupid set top box in kmart finally. had a kebab dinner and enjoyed lots of eye candies.

managed to have serious one on one regarding my state of mind and what mental challenges i face with relevant to cancer. this was brought on by a remark about how unattractive big tummies are. am glad i got to voice out how tired i feel about it all. C is always caring and i sometimes worry that C will be burdened by knowing how difficult I carry my cancer. but i guess C appreciates the openness.

C parked in front of V & E’s first Glebe apartment. walked towards the valhalla with a throng of film goers. we are watching what was was meant to be the only sydney cinema screening of latter days. and tasted of the upcoming MG film festival. so thankful C organised tickets. i have always loved qscreen films. as we lined up in the foyer, so many familiar faces. i commented how there was no way you could swing a cat without hitting a village resident. he he he. and previous victim within an arm’s length in the queue. hai hai hai.

it was a packed cinema although the seat next to me was vacant. the old queen to my right did not listen to the usher’s plea to refrain from leaving seating gaps. snob. well, i guess it worked to my advantage as the chubibo smelt anyway. yuk.

i gave the film a rating of 15 out of 10. this one will need to be added to my collection for sure. i missed a few lines as the crowd was too noisy reacting to how funny, sad, romantic and hard hitting some aspects were. it was about faith, romance, hedonism, miracles, coincidence, cheesiness etc etc. sometimes it was reaffirming and at times it was downright corny. the story line was believable or not. it could happened. and some of it probably happened to many of the audience at the screening. the part about being beautiful and shallow must have hit a lot of raw nerves. ouch. that would hopefully teach some to drop some of the attitude. but ofcourse that applies to most. me ofcourse one of the guilty parites.

when we left the cinema, we got to walk through the end of the storm. so i made sure i had a shower right after arriving home. i did not want to to get sick of course.


friday 21 january 2005

8am met TRO (the red one) in the service reception of my apartment. walked via hyde park. TRO mentioned that D & TRO are going to spend a weekend in tasmania soon after finding cheap flights. i am jealous ofcourse and would book my own flight but got discouraged when realised that it will cost nearly $800 just for the airfare. had a fusion (corner of pitt & park) breakfast. bacon & egg muffin. yum. sat across floor to ceiling glass window facing the pedestrian crossing towards gloria jeans. eye candy high traffic area. hai hai hai.

told TRO what has been recently bugging me. similar to what i last night mentioned with C. i am tired, not motivated, worried about my upcoming CT scan. most of it has “so what” peppered in between sentences. so what if get a ct scan. so what if it’s bad news. so what if my low enthusiasm of late has nothing to do with cancer. so what if my bleeding last monday had nothing to do with cancer. told TRO about the bear last monday and we laughed and giggled as usual. told TRO about D’s chocolate IKEA excitement last saturday. as if it really was such a naughty act. he he he.

had to get my laptop to desktop support for memory upgrade & temp files purging. running too slow & memory low. just like my brain i guess. agent Hai showed me how to defrag and of course sneaky me got the name of the consultant who was ahead of me. was a bit worried agent Hai was going to come across one of my virus files. it was a worry enough my ICQ prompt came up as my laptop was restarted.

so “S” P-a-e is my known fields when i do my directory search. i clearly remember doing this before when i saw “S” at the shift one time. how would I forget falling in love? esp with something tragic playing in the background. and to think i scrolled through all consultants in the nth sydney building directory just to find out “S” name and picture. here is another sample of my romantic, obsessive and hopeless fantasies.

had a chat with my boss and we sat a task of me starting with actual tangible deliverables from next week. not doing much in the past two weeks has limited shelf life and fun levels really. am glad i get along with K.

had lunch with Y. glad we did not join a bigger group and instead enjoyed our personal and honest opinion of the current team dynamics. “there are ambitious back stabbing career climbers everywhere so just be careful” was the moral lesson of the day. am thankful Y is there in P’s absence. I sometimes feel guitly of talking too much with Y as I know Y is a quiet introverted person. I see Y and still hurt for Y when I remember Y’s mother’s passing. of colorectal cancer too. so the last thing Y really need to face is another cancer victim.

bih:shoppingworld/blueshirt/weddingband/redback.comidtagnecklace/sck/svallow

it was tiring to browse around wynyard (so many players – hai) i rested in martin place. met with TRO & D for a drink at No 1 lobby bar. oh and to reminsce. it was where TRO & i first met. gave TRO the silver brushed aluminum pocket mirror from bayswiss. a thank you for putting up and continuing to share adventures with me.

got HAPPY news from J. J received a letter from immigration confirming success of J’s Permanent Residency application. this is so good as it means J stays with us without having to worry about visa expiry. now N just needs the same luck this year too. and ofcourse A was jumping for joy too. bumped into them on the corner of goulburn & wentworth.

met Sunshine in front of my building. dumped my bag in the apartment as we strolled through oxford street to dine. ended up in this small japanese restaurant as we decided to give the high cos$$$ts of eating in Hikaru. the tables next to us were inspirations. oh such lovely sticky rice. ahem, if this was the quality, then who would want potatoes. but kebabs are nice too i guess. he he he.


25 january

greenwood lunch with T. had korean. updated each other with recent escapades. asked how t has been handling married life. T laughed and said it had been quite annoying recently because of E’s whining. career, shopping, going out, not going out etc etc. apparently E gets annoyed when they visit ‘the gym’ as E doesn’t get the same results as T. that’s what happens when you are exclusively potato. told T i am aware of the recent renovations and quite impressed particularly with the blue light trimmings in the steam room. T reminded me of the promise T previously made regarding taking me to B line one day. this came up as i suggested them try kensington.

chinatown haircut + shower

after my mediterranean haircut in chinatown i was deciding of the next activity mindful of my later appointments. walk home or browse? it was annoying to walk around with little hair so I needed a quick shower. and a bit of steam wouldn’t hurt. he he he

bumped into M after my second round. M believed it was quiet. we made a big noise as we saw each other as it had been awhile. last saw M before I left for dallas last year. updated M with my 2004 dramas and it was good to chat. admire M for M’s quest to have a child. definitely could relate. M’s Lao partner are sure serious about it.

bih: 1/rice/Storium/blkroom/2/henk/thumbup

home by 7:30pm and after a few phone calls, we were set for J’s PR celebratory dinner. yay, finally got to go to longgrain (no2 of sydney’s best restaraurants in 2004). didn’t have enough time to get ready but managed to re-shape/ clean up eyebrows. black ssleeve twin chest pockets shirt, black flat pants, black with white trim diesel shoes. looking very trendy, i felt. face, megan galed & matted & warmly scented with NU YSL. special spring wild orchids with an oriental finish.

started with a mojito cocktail. yum. vodka, lime & mint. didn’t take long to get happily tipsy. such a hot place. located within the H village, clientele was pepperred with locals not PDA shy. within seconds of entering the bar area, spotted my lollies for the evening. drooled + fell in love as usual. tall ASJ was a real pleaser. enough for me to sing “i will always love you” as we walked past later in the night.

got allocated to sit on the high tables. dimly lit, we all of coursed looked divine. A & J recommended the 6 dishes we had. enjoyed even the lime fish sauce. N surprisingly loved the fish wrapped in betel leaf. M did not complain about the sweet caramelised pork. M was full of long winded skits as usual. 3 mains, 3 entrees, $45 pp excl cocktails for 5 people – not too bad! worth it for sure.

it would have been nice to cap off the night with a bop at the shift but too tired and tipsy. settled with a chat on anzac war memorial steps watching bats fly over head, the full moon and the S crowd ready to party and invade the villate.


another weird dream …

don’t know what brought this on. perhaps watching ‘before sunrise’ dvd brought back the hopeless try hard romantic in me. the dream was vivid as usual. quite heart warming too. it felt like a flash back to 1989. I couldn’t figure out the setting for this dream but it certainly felt like I was back in booti booti hill. but this time, it was only me and morgan. i don’t remembering making a big fuss as morgan entered the scene but it felt like morgan was returning to me. i asked morgan about coleta but apparently it was ‘anita’. we didn’t seem to need to talk much. perhaps i was content enough with seeing morgan. as i placed my head on morgan’s lap, morgan was usual physically conscious and commented how morgan might be smelly. but i saw past this and saw nothing but beauty. morgan’s blue eyes drowned me and I had no complaints. it didn’t become more graphic than that comforting connection but it certainly made me feel loved enough. when i woke up, I continued wondering where & how morgan is these days. happily married with kids in the burbs? would morgan even remember the daily love letters which were not called love letters at the time? it was funny how typical teenagers, we spent the whole day together but later that night, we still found the time and energy to write each other letters. morgan’s voice tape, with a selection of music recorded from morgan’s cd collection on side b,is one of the things i cannot let go of. no matter how much I try to cull the hordes of rubbish I have accumulated. the closing part of the voice tape, where morgan (with the cheltenham accent morgan has been trying to hold on to despite living most of morgan’s life in sydney) says:

“till the day i die, i will always love you” …

but it wouldn’t be healthy to listen to it over and over again, i guess. people move on and perhaps m’s intention was different form what i wanted it to mean. if i see m again, apart from plattitudes, i really wouldn’t know what else to say. but the good side is, no matter what, i hope morgan is happy right now. happy with morgan’s live/lifestyle choices. and am very thankful of those romantic teen years. well, i was a late teen then, morgan is two years younger. he he he.

part 2 january blog dump

tuesday 4 jan

had dinner with V in double bay. talked about the old times & my state of mind. V is amazed how optimistic & strong i am. gave V the pressies i been holding on since sep.

wed shopped in broadway for pillows after having coffee with K. K wants to do MD party. i said, count me in. thurs, went to Kpark and took the jeep to an auto electrician. my first time to take the car to a garage. felt great doing that. even also managed to take my return to work plan to my doctor for approval. all is set for me to go back to work it seems. that night, had dinner with J, M & C in chinatown. had passionflower durian ice cream then started to feel the sore throat which would bug me for hte next 4 days. took it easy and worried about whether i would after all that excitement actually make it to my big return to work day on 10 jan. by sunday, i felt okay enough to go to pitt st mall to return the ipod i got fr sis for xmas.

bih://myershomeware/1betweengaps/goldenrings/2lincraftimperial/duo:blueBondsTgreyHair+tallSlingBag

sunday night & received a visit from N & M. N came back with the UNIQLO jacket i ordered. it looked superb.

monday 10 jan
day one in the office. lucky P was there. was not particularly excited anymore. i was feeling weak but saw some familiar faces so i lit up. 4 hours wasn’t much so it was cool. lost my office but that wasn’t really too bad. picked the desk/cubicle in front of my boss’ office. after lunching with P, it wasn’t long before home time.

bih://metcentre/red/ferryUniform/rcdOrl/

met TRO (the red one) in cirq quay. strolled to bennelong for a sunset coffee and CA stuff. N reported seeing D in the asian section of chatroom again. he he he. confessed TRO of the scary desire in me to be more active in the game esp bbacking. scary stuff really. just like another QAF episode.

to recover from day one at work, went to bondi beach the next day and spent most of the day gazing and psychoanalysing myself. managed to enjoy a typical sydney summer day. glad my return to work plan is gradual.

13 thursday january 2005
another hot sunny day. as arranged with Amy, met about 10am and spent the day together. we went to my favourite sydney places and talked and laughed and giggled a lot. got a bus to the Gap. before having lunch we went on top of the look out just across the bus top. fish chips on Watsons bay, such a perfect sydney summer lunch. we trecked to the south head harbour walk and came across eye candies. sweet and yummy. just before reaching lady bay’s entrance, Amy was kidding but seriously drooling over two rangers. it would have been nice to go to the beach but there was no way i would have gone down to lady bay with someone who knows me. i had been there a couple of years back and loved it. on the way there earlier, one of bus co-passengers was someone who showed me the cave rock secrets of the beach. bussed back to the city where we managed to quickly stroll to AGNSW then martin place for Amy’s mail. and to cap it off, we had passionflower ice cream in darling harbour. Amy was thankful but so was i. had spent the day going to some of my favourite sydney places with a tourist who appreciated it all.

had no inclination to go home at 5pm so went to “the gym”. TBO (the black one) and i called it the gym ever since it opened. we were there after xmas when it first opened, maybe 2001? there were recent improvements. the steam room had blue trimmings and the highest level has a cinema. impressive stuff, even for $17 entrance. great value during buddys nights am sure.

bih: 357/1playDrkRmLancePhils/2DrkRmJOoverBBkers/3Sktrm

friday of my first week at work and i am keen to party. Lance was no show at the shift at 11pm. so glad C decided to turn up. met A & A. one italian and one aussie. but two previous C tricks. lol. just as i observed from the recent foam party, the scene was impressively more youthful and of asian background. maybe there was a special japan airlines flight too. but ofcourse thai airways had probably the best represetatives. but i am biassed maybe. we were dancing til 3:20 am in stonewall then it was home time for me. early the next day, D surprisingly contacted & invited me for brekkie. it was fun. had a big brekkie at Una’s in Darlinghurst. and then a drive to IKEA. yay! bought the stainless steel glass tile framed halogen floor light. Naoki watched me assemble it later that night.

sunday 16 jan
finally managed to get our act together and the iffy weather didnot stop us. at 10am, we met at the wooloomoolloo gate at the botanical gardens. marie’s family and vi’s family was there. it was fun to see their kids and we chatted heaps. went window shopping afterwards:

bih: //1hydeparkbarracksmuseum/cobwebsout/2myerGolaShoes/RedFredPerryT/escorted to DavidJones

january blogging

thursday 30 december 2004
waited for cousin R to wake up to confirm if R will be able to help me move more of my stuff to the city pad today. by 3pm, gave up and just drove myself with Dad. took faster than i expected. as i was driving, i received a txt msg from Amy & Jim. my new friends fr Csurfing. after unloading the car, arranged to meet Amy & Jim in Wynyard park.

meeting Amy & Jim was so much fun. luckily, i was wearing the same T-shirt as my Csurfing profile. it was an accident but i told them it was deliberate. we hit it off straight away. as we walked from the wynyard bus depot via st patrick’s, i told them what i know of the area and played my “tourist guide” role so well. the original plan was to have a drink somewhere in the rocks but since the afternoon looked so great, i suggested we walked the harbour bridge to north sydney. and ofcourse they were game. it’s been a long time since i have crossed the bridge and i don’t remember having done it often from south to north.

the walked was quite pleasant. the blue/ pinkish/ orange sky was the usual pretty sydney sunset. jim took the opportunity for some photos and as i posed, i was conscious of the possiblity of it being posted on line. everytime i think of walking this bridge, the good old days with PR from the office comes back to mind. this was one of the many locations/ backdrops of our deep & meaningful conversations. carrying our laptops, me walking the opposite direction to home (as i lived in chatswood then) and catching the bus back whilst PR would continue the trip via train to Ryde then later Miranda. at once stage i even walked this bridge all the way to surry hills. one of my favourite walks for sure. of the unforgettable runs include when it stormed whilst we were in the middle part. we ran & of course it didn’t take me long to lose my breath.

amy, jim & i continued chatting and it was so good to hold such endless conversation. it actually felt too quick to reach the other end and it seems that the opposite direction is perhaps more scenic. we compared about things we had done & places we have visited. i was jealous of them a little bit but acknowledge that their form of travel does not fit my personality. at times, when i hear loud americans, i get so annoyed and because i was sure our conversations were carrying across far, i wondered whether we were annoying someone else then.

as i had promised them and i almost begged, i shouted them to a quick pizza in capitanos north sydney. they did agree that the tasman special is one super nice seafood pizza. and possibly the best in sydney. during the converasation, i came out to them about my cancer. their reaction was quite good as i have not really previously experienced telling strangers about it. it came up as i mentioned my upcoming return to work. i had told them i was excited about it. i even planned to show them the office as i had my badge with me. said farewell at north sydney train station, with an agreement to meet up later during the week again for more fun. caught the train back to town hall and i was a little bit tired but had definitely enjoyed myself a lot.

31 december 2004
yum cha lunch with C, A, J and 2 of J’s friends. haven’t been to marigold for ages and it was nice to catch with C, A & J. we compared NYE plans and in the back of my mind i remembered how i welcomed 2004 with A & J sipping champagne on the main dance floor of ARQ. i was aware of saving up my energy for later.

as arranged with A & D, met up with them in platform to nth sydney at town hall. station was packed with NYE revellers looking young+ very eager to party. i was trying to look back two years ago when about the same time, me N & A were going to the same destination. P North Sydney’s NYE party. from memory, the penthouse afforded a great vantage point for Sydney’s NYE fireworks. i brought a bottle of red wine and took a long time to convince N to join us. at the time, N & I were not yet as close even though i had living with N for nearly a year. two years on and if N was here now, there would not have been such an effort to convince N to join us. NYE 2003, A warned me to tone it down as the guests were probably on the conservative side. didn’t know what to expect esp after knowing that some of the guests were catholic church officials. i couldn’t forget the kilt, youngies & P’s very nice & youthful partner. but later the night, we found out that there was no point for us to tone it down. it turned out that the other guests were on the corrupt side in the first place. so NYE 2205, i told A that there was no need to request me to tone it down.

as we walked into P’s apartment, NYE 2003 came back clearer and how impressed we were of it’s location & high appointments. P mentioned the unit was recently networked completely via wireless and the music piped through this set up for the whole night with a mix from 70s to now. drinks flowed immediately and P played the perfect host. the beauty of the sydney harbour made A & speechless. the camera phone straight away clicked posing pics of the sunset. and what made also made us breathless was a group of youthful hai’s.

it didn’t take me long to embarrass myself by being crass. A from the mountains (AFTM) was asking D about relationship and as D was telling the group of about one of D’s break up from a >5 year relationship, i said something along the lines of “so let me guess, you caught X in bed with someone else?” in other circles, i guess my comment would have been considered funny full stop but this group seemed to have been too shocked by it i almost felt like one of those loud + boisterous jokers. too bad, i say. as i answered AFTM’s question regarding where i lived, my “surry hills/darlinghurst” was quickly interjected by “centre of the g universe” (or something like it). all i could say was, “but of course”. if AFTM knew i had been living with my parents and going to Nepean for my treatment for the past 9 months, AFTM’s reaction would have probably been different. so i guess i was pigeonholed. later on as the night continued, i detected a hint of bitchiness from AFTM. the poor young person, already bitter at such a young age, i had thought. but then again, it was probably the alcohol. AFTM’s partner was perfectly nice and i guess they make such a cute couple. A & i had thought they were quite cute and we even included D in our game of trying to work out who tops in either of them. naughty really.

i was never a big fan of NYEs. not fireworks either. when the first lot started at 9pm, there was very few wows. in fact, i had thought that the sunset was a lot prettier. but me and sunsets are just old friends really. 31 dec is really just another date. however, i clearly remember what i felt as i welcomed 2004. and knowing now how painful 2004 is, i really should not have celebrated NY 2004. i remembered conscious of not making a fuss. but i did sigh as the clock ticked past midnight 1 jan 2004. i said to myself, “what adventures would i have in 2004? i hope exciting ones!!!”. did i know 2004 was going to be life changing --- did i know it would be so painful? was i really ready to let it go? or am i afraid of 2005?

right through the night, we did attempt to socialise. we should have made a lot more effort i guess. i was however glad i got to sit with D & we got to have one on one talk. D had a couple of drinks and perhaps well lubricated to be more open. D honestly told me what challenges D is faced with and the issues with A. to a point where a temporary separation was on the cards. i played the diplomatic me but obviously with my best friend’s interest. adventurous as it sounded, possibly living with A might not be the best scenario.

as the midnight fireworks came, A, D & i were up on the highest balcony. the 3 harbour firework firing points, the bridge, darling harbour & the lights from the watercrafts were visible from where we were. the firework wows flowed. and my wish for 2005, was quite difficult. i can’t remember now exactly but maybe along the lines of “less pain” ... or to be more morbid “painless/ drama free death”. wow, that’s scary to see in print. it’s different when it is just on my mind, i guess. the optimistic me kept fighting and trying to say to myself to wake up and be careful of what i have. i was so glad i agreed with A to come tonight. i am thankful of A’s love/ friendship and whatever we have. without A’s txt messages, my chemo visits would have been much more painful. without sleep over, shopping trips, gold coast fun, adventure stories etc etc, all else would probably have been boring.


spent the first day of 2005 at home. had an in house lunch/dinner. was asleep most of the afternoon and it was quiet anyway as many missed it despite the yummy palabok etc. day 2 & had an afternoon trip to manly with sis & M. had wood fired oven pizza for dinner.

foam party
sunday 11pm & met in marbury before going to the foam party with A, J & C. didn’t know what to expect as i’d never been to one. i thought A & J were taking a bit extreme by having swimming costumes. when we got there, definitely was a good idea. wore shorts so was okay but the foam/ bubbles get you wet so my shoes were drenched after 5 seconds on the dance floor. wasn’t that slippery either. this party would have to be one of the best i had been to in arq. lots of new, youthfould, faces esp of asian origin. wow, the RQs would be feasting for sure. and what made it cuter for me is that they were not Potatoe Qs! good on them i say. if only i was that much braver, cuter when i was young – i probably would be podium dancing too. but i was on the podium for a short while. spent most of the time on the viewing level. feasted on the happy faces, good music and hot action.

c was having a great time. esp when the rumours of what happens under the foam turned out to be true. they were bbacking??? wooooo! i shouldn’t be surprised. lots were so out of it on some drug.

me on the other hand was seriously over analysing my emotions. thinking i probably would be down there if i wasn’t sick. but it was cold-ish but maybe because i am much more of a bigger wimp now. what was going through my mind was similar to the thoughts i had NYE. what’s next? and is partying over for moi? should i really be here? do i belong?

went downstairs and got stuck there for a while as they were limiting the crowds. when i got back upstairs to my original spot, spent less than 2 hours and made my way home. later, i found out that A, J & C stayed til 7am atleast.