fusion lunch sydney harbour - west circular quay

last wednesday, i had what i hope to be my last chemo session. it was uneventful as i nearly threw up even before the cytotoxic drug was infused. with the help of sleeping pills, i was able to face the session much more relaxed. two days before the session, i took a sleeping pill instead of a hayfever tablet by accident. up to now i think i am paying for this mistake. my sleep pattern has been badly affected.

i managed to sleep alright last night thank goodness. in the previous nights i would say that i had less than 30% of the sleep time required to stay healthy. i think i will blame the stress of the chemo & other things going on as well as my recent usage of sleeping pills.

had my cat scan this morning and it felt worse than the scan i had last july. lucky i didn't remember the effects of contrast dye as it was fed through the cannula. it was an unpleasant warming feeling, foul taste in my mouth and the feeling that i was going to wet my pants. i was also worried as the tube got pulled when the machine was going through the rays. i nearly threw up. i am so much more susceptible from vomiting just by thinking and smelling chemo related things. but who wants to dwell on these things. i have much better things to blog about.

firstly, i am very much convinced i won't have to have chemo again for a while. i am sure my oncologist will indulge me if i say NO to more chemo. i am also so looking forward to my upcoming trip to the Gold Coast to recover. i have spent the past few days obsessing & booking the trip. Yay!

last sunday, spent time with cousins, pigging out and laughing out loud. i had a much needed haircut and even went to church. bumped into friends as well. st peters is far from the grandeur of st patricks but i was glad we went there this time. the homily was well delivered and the priest was so camp it was funny. the sounds of thunder as it poured outside added such convincing special effects. singing the hymns however did not move me as much as it did a couple of sundays ago in st patricks wynyard. hard to believe it but i actually cried (well, maybe part of it was hayfever really) a lot singing to "here i am lord", the closing hymn in st patricks 2 sundays ago. i was standing next to mum and it reminded me of my early childhood (way before i turned 7) when she used to take me to church on sundays and after my regular doctor visits (i had chronic asthma until i was 17). i remembered the days when i would really try hard to impress her by behaving so well and concentrating on praying. from a very early age, having learned it from mum & her family's side, i knew how to communicate to God and ask for his blessing. and of course from that age, i knew how to follow the rituals and carried myself as i was an angel. i remember how i used to read in her face what she was praying for. she was praying for me. praying that i stay healthy and be cured from whatever ails me. now that i am adult, it is so moving believe that she continues to have the same devotion. the same patience to keep praying for me not thinking whether i deserve it or not. i still have the skills to play the "angel" but guilt attacks me more these days. if only mum knows the naughty things her youngest boy had been doing in, maybe she would hesitate in seeking god's help for me right now. i am quite sure she would love me no less if she knew but it is perhaps more of my guilt that makes me feel sorry for her. i am also guilty these days of not showing her how much i love and respect her. i tend to get annoyed these days by the smallest things like how she doesn't hang the teal towel correctly or not setting the table with the correctly matching cutlery. i cried because of this. i cried because i am sick. because i am scared. i cried because i wish i didn't have cancer. i cried because i sometimes think that god has given me cancer to punish me for my sins. i cried because i also knew that it was so stupid of me to think so. but maybe it was words of the song. or maybe it really was just the pollen in the air. whatever it was, it felt so good to cry. the last time i cried, it was in march this year when i was all alone in the hospital the night i was told it was possible that i only had six months to live. i cried because i was tired from the brave act i had been playing all day. and i am sure prior to march this year, it was possibly some time in 1996 that i cried last.

yesterday, there was no crying involved in my part. i had a perfectly beautiful day. it was meant to be a farewell lunch for steven but he was not able to make. he felt bad and he probably cried about it but adam & i understood too well the stress of it all. we got take away from what we now consider "fusion" restaurant in circular quay. fusion because the name is scottish and the food is french american. it was actually mcdonalds - french fries is french right? to watch the harbour and passing traffic was so much fun the hour went to quick. tried to walk adam back to his office but only got up to AMP shops (BIH:sck/tug/navyshirtkhaki.me=1) on the way back to the car, i got to browse in the museum of contemporary arts, candle factory & crafts centre.

what is it like 10 pm wednesday 27 OCT 2004

tastes like: barium prep /contrast dye meds for abdominal cat scan after taste. but the flavour of the past couple of days would have to be EDAMAME - japanese soy beans.

smells like: minties from the bottom of my bag

feels like: busted veins from a failed cannula

sounds like: "le accordeoniste" - edith piaf/ "here i am lord"closing hym st patricks

gyoza (japanese dumplings) from ASAGAO

tastes like: VIETNAMESE com ga don from xiclo, STH EAST ASIAN durian & Taro ice cream from passionflower capitol theatre, JAPANESE gyoza fr asagao bondi junction ITALIAN seafood risotto from feel cafe newtown

smells like: Sexual pour homme fr fragrance tester Myers

feels like: Shopping is tiring but needed to get heaps done

tastes like: VIETNAMESE com ga don from xiclo, STH EAST ASIAN durian & Taro ice cream from passionflower capitol theatre, JAPANESE gyoza fr asagao bondi junction ITALIAN seafood risotto from feel cafe newtown

smells like: Sexual pour homme fr fragrance tester Myers

feels like: Shopping is tiring but needed to get heaps done. bought industrie zip top for Steven's farewell. adam got him alladin dvds

sounds like: Steven's ipod: When will i be famous? by BROS/ CAMP JC cd from Adam's itunes
 

priceless fun ...

last friday night, went over to adam & david's, watched their favourite Sex in the City episodes and laughed out loud so much. it felt so good to laugh out loud again and not think of sinus, chemo, dizziness etc etc. woke up Saturday morning & read gizmo mags. grooming took awhile thanks to the red one's cheer me up pressie: john paul gaultier magic pens !!!

delifrance latte & hotdog croissants went down well whilst we waited for david to finish his dental appointment. loved shopping for phone & computer equipment even if it wasn't for me. naughty bear key chain (trench coat flashing complete with bits) bought by stuart was the first exciting bargain of the day. looked at lots of computer equipment with david and i salivated. i was worried that if he bought something nice i would get jealous and therefore buy one for myself too. we had ice cream instead.

bus fare to westfield bondi junction ...$2.70
ty nant welsh spring water from david jones ...$8.50
adam's david jones compact mirror ...$6.95
megan gale lip balm ...$14.95
lots of fun with the red one:... PRICELESS ....

caught a bus from bondi junction to newtown for steven's farewell dinner. feel cafe king st. he is off to tassie for a change of scenery & be with his family. lots of laughter & chatting as we all caught up with each other's activities. mark's ghost stories, naoki's upcoming trip to japan, shaun's trip to new zealand last month, steven's free balling & chatting with laura imbruglia outside the cafe, adam explaining missy higgins is not black but she is australian as i mixed her up with missy elliot, david waiting for dessert: before i finished my sticky date pudding- it was time to go home.

tastes like: thai lunch treat

smells like: sea breeze mixed with sensual musk sun tan oil

feels like: 29degrees celsius, i love summer

sounds like: lucid dreams / chill out downbeats

jumping pussy cat...

last saturday night, my sister & i sneaked out for a drive to get the best pizza in sydney. la disfida in haberfield is so famous for authentic italian pizza. i had the santa maria with mussels (so fresh & pefectly cooked it tasted like oysters) and octopus (perfectly grilled & seasoned with a mild balsamic vinegar). couldn't wait to eat it at home so i finished the whole 13inch in the car. memories of buying pizza by the weight in 'corso del wedding cake' in ROME came flooding back. "Multo Bene, Multo Bente ---YUMMO!" this was a good indication i was getting better. drove more than 60 km but it was so worth it. when i got home i was all giggly watching hornblower (ioan gruffud is my new hero) then a thai japanese film. hearing & repeating the thai & japanese conversation reminded me how much i loved bangkok, phuket & tokyo. grinned just before going to bed (it's been a while since i last smiled due to the sinus) thinking i had such a mix cultured night: italian meal followed by a british, thai & japanese shows.

sunday afternoon, mum, sis & i went to st patricks. on the way home, we got take away turkish. i had a yummy kebab, dolmades & baklava. got a can of something green thinking it might be a turskish version of lime soda. ulyadog gazoz or something that sounds like that. the ingredients included ulyadog which translated into english as "fruit" flavour. i wonder what fruit it is. i enjoyed the different taste though i probably would not buy it again in a hurry.

monday, surprised a friend by delivering flowers to her office. had a very yummy thai lunch from thainatown. on the way to pick up dad, we had halo halo too. heaven !!! had dinner with the birthday celebrant in a vietnamese restaurant in castle hill but it was a fake. chef, waiters, owners are filipinos. hmmmm ... and the food tasted chinese. i wouldn't go back there for sure as after having the meal, we got very sleepy.

heard news that the SUPERMAN i know passed away from a heart attack. he survived 9 years after his horrific horse riding accident and amazed the medical world with his paraplegic progress. maybe like him, i will spend another 9 years. it makes me sad that he is gone but i am sure he will be ok in the afterlife.

bought lunch from thainatown again today but had it in a picnic table on the park just above cogee beach. the warm breeze, comfy cabana like picnic table, spicy thai food, coogee beach vista = BLISS. strolled along the promenade all the way to the southern side and sat by the edge looking out to the sea and enjoyed the early afternoon.

wanting to make most of today, navigated sis to domayne alexandria where my eyes feasted on such perfect furnishings for my imaginary penthouse. louis xv polycarbonate chairs by cartel $495 vs $5,000 per piece louis xv replica or a provicial louis wicker for $695. might just go for the sleek anodised silver aluminum outdoor hip chair for approx $200. on my wish list, maybe an ipod or an apple notebook. the list continues.

jumped up just then as a cat jumped from the back pergola to the window sill. i have a window opened & suddenly there was noise and cat just appeared like magic, lucky the window has a screen. naughty pussy!!!

will i sleep better tonight? i won't leave it to chance so i will definitely take a sleeping pill. i don't think i am as apprehensive as i have been in the past couple of weeks. i am pretty sure i will be okay to take the session tomoro. although i am not yet 100% (my nose is still leaking green stuff) and on my last antibiotic tablets, my frame of mind and sinus blockage is much better. plus, i have had a good couple of days enjoying eating & blue skies --- these are some of my favourite things (sing with me?) ...

a cloudy head ...

tastes like: taro cake, green organic supplements

smells like: blocked nose but eucalyptus oil in the shower smells like steam sauna

feels like: being a grump. hate not being able to smile

sounds like: ken davis taichi cd to help me sleep /relax

acupuncture analgesia ...

had my second acupuncture treatment today & i think it has helped. my head doesn't feel as heavy. or maybe the antibiotics i started yesterday is starting to work. started to take organic nutrients too. with all these supplements surely i should start to feel better.

missed out on chemo last wednesday. my blood test came up okay though, no nasties nor unusual blood count but i rejected chemo as there was no way i could handle it on top of my cold. sounds wimpy but the pain of it all is just unbearable. i've been grumpy for a long time now because of it and i feel that it is just so not me. i hate not smiling or thinking happy thoughts.

last night i sent a text to the red one saying "why can't i just die already? sick of the pain". i finished it off sounding positive but the thought of just ending it all is not so unwelcome for me then. but here i am still hoping to see more blue skies and enjoy my "life". maybe i really should pray more. at one stage i was angry & begging for the pain to go but that's not the usual way i pray. i should be thankful and accept what i have and instead pray for strength.

blue lagoon & fish balls

tastes like: anticol now but had yummy caramel ripe saba bananas earlier... matamis na saging

smells like: blocked nose still but eucalyptus oil is very pleasant.

feels like: sinus head

sounds like: karaoke

3rd day of yukky cold. wonder if i can go ahead with my chemo this wednesday. i am really tempted to cancel my appointment if i continue feeling this bad. it looks like i am getting less and less brave as the treatment schedule nears its end. the way i look at it is, if i miss this week's session, it shouldn't matter too much given that my oncologist gave me the option to quit treatment 3 weeks ago. i was brave then not knowing it will get so much harder.

watched blue lagoon and remembered how pretty brooke shields was. watched remington steele too. such beautiful reminder of how cool 1980s was.

cousins and friends came over. they sang karaoke & we laughed hard as usual. it made me forget a little how sick i am today. eating fish balls with them made me happy too.

bondi beach moonrise

NEUTROPENIC STRESS alert ...

tastes like: squid/ octopus black ink adobo for dinner. palabok for lunch. mouth taste like cepacol now & bicarb soda for gargling. yuk!

smells like: eucalyptus oil/ dove soap- fr shower this morning/ rochas for men deodorant.

feels like: feverish. wearing flannel jammies.

sounds like: bbc radio one london.

2nd day of bad cold/ sore throat/ sinus headache now. don't want to check temp again in case i have a fever. until yesterday, i forgot about scary fever implications whilst i am on chemo. am supposed to go to hosp emergency for tests as my cancer card says. but am sure if i have a fever, it would be from the flu and nothing worse. don't really want to have to go through the drama of going to hosp again. so i probably won't drop dead just yet. probably my fault for getting a cold, i should have stayed out of the rain like sis said the other night when we were shopping. or maybe i shouldn't have spent so much time reading blogs instead of sleeping.

talking about "faults": a few days ago when i saw my oncologist, she told me it wasn't my fault i was fat. she sensed my discomfort from feeling too fat when i mentioned that my current weight is the heaviest i've ever been. apparently, chemo does this to some people. so at home, whenever i am in the kitchen looking guilty for eating, dad & sis tells me "it's not your fault!!!". such a good excuse for gorging myself.

i should have rested yesterday but felt guilty about my folks getting lost in the outskirts of campbelltown, so i volunteered to navigate. looking at the street map, my parents destination (to attend a wedding) seemed complicated. once we got there, it didn't seem too bad. glad i still have the navigational skills i am so famous for despite my chemo stuffed brain. highlight of yesterday, apart from spending time with my folks, was the surprise of not finding too much yobbos in the league's club . had to stop there for a toilet break but ended up having wood fired pepperoni pizza & a decaf latte. noice!

spent the afternoon wrapping presents. pity i missed out on today's birthday party. pity i missed out on last night's sleaze and phoenix with the red one. last year's sleaze was so much fun starting with the costume planning. black nail polish was so hard to find. this pregnant goth from a leather gear shop was so friendly we forgot how scary she looked. and the gothic look was so convincing we scared the taxi driver until we told him we were to the ball. it really was very funny. we looked ready to kill until we smiled and giggled at ourselves for looking so silly and yet horribly fabulous.

rainy first october day

tastes like: had sirena tuna (olive chili oil), lady's choice mayo on toast for lunch. while was waiting for the toaster to understand that i didn't want my toast black, i had thought- wouldn't be nice to have someone cut it in 4 squares and serve it in a versace plate wearing a blue & silver david jones apron? nah, i would probably just nag them and tell them they are doing it wrong. obssesive compulsiveness is not cool sometimes.

smells like: michael for men

feels like: cold & wet

sounds like: human nature / tightrope cd

after posting my first blog last night, it was a bit difficult to sleep as my head was overheating with all the things i could do with this blog. how creative i could be, who my target audience is, how to make it funny/honest etc etc. i spent hours reading other blogs. geeez, this could be very addictive indeed. i had found it so cool that through reading other profiles & their links, i came across lol's blog where margeaux made a comment. margeaux is a friend and i am a big fan. it was really surreal as i admired their writing flair. now, if only i could try finding the balance between being like dougie howser & bridget jones. i was also amazed by how i could see into lives of other people with similar entries in their profile boxes. try putting "outdoor sex" and "christianity" in the personal interest section and this comes up with such interesting blogs. put any Sci-fi movie in the favourites section and you get what first appears to be geeks. however, after reading into their blogs a bit more, it is proven again that there is more to a person that what they are first usually categorised to be.

woke up this morning from foul smell of adobo but had brekkie anyway. had <5 hours of sleep. lucky, no nightmares but grinning still in the morning from reading funny & hot blogs last night. watched SUDDENLY 30 (so not art house but giggled like a girl, as the movie intended) & Ken Hirai DVD. Must thank Naoki for importing Ken for my birthday. Sang “You are the sunshine of my life” in the shower with a Japanese accent but tried so hard to look like Antonio Sabato Jnr.

after lunch, picked up prints ordered on-line (soaking wet, typical of my luck! the times I expect mail that should stay dry, our mailbox is soaked from rain). went shopping (Birkenhead point) with dad & sis. need presents for upcoming friends’ birthdays. happy the breakables made it home in one piece. tried to haggle for the 6 items bought from Oriental gallery and got $5 discount. was going to be upset but remembered I was far from Kuta beach in Bali, or Patpong markets in BKK. bought another jag top to replace what was supposed to be Naoki’s birthday present. Sat in the loo whilst sis stacked shopping in the car. (BIH:jo/tug/xmasjumper.0)

the lady from the oriental gallery had a very heavy chinese accent. it was cute for a bit but frowned a bit to try & understand some of what she said. she was so nice she even gave me a couple of mandarin duck ceramics. she said "these are for luck! do not separate them! they must be always together for luck. in another world, they are lovebirds". told dad & sis i was puzzled by what she meant. I said "how can ducks be in another world where they can be lovebirds. ducks are birds, right? why do they have to go to another world to be in love." maybe in chinese myth, ducks falling in love is forbidden. but dad, sis & i later worked out that she was meant to say: "In other words, they are lovebirs". Ahhhh, such a relief to have figured it out.

such a happy day despite the rain. spent the night online chatting with Steven, reading more blogs (so many Singaporeans-lah. me luv meself lots), watching Will & Grace and planning Sweet Sugar Bananas in caramel (matamis na saging) before bed. Night Night.

blog virgin...

here i am finally, putting myself out there. who is this going to help, i really don't know. I guess it will help me stop thinking the nasty/ scary thoughts out there and instead translate all that energy into something later tangible/ useful for me and whoever else out there. .

i've always fancied myself as a voyeur & exhibitionist (well, a try hard at that atleast). i am one of those people who can't stop thinking and writing helps. wooooh, this is already starting to feel good. my fingers are tingling as my thoughts come up on the screen and the thought that this will later be available to the public. well, the net public atleast.

i am blogging to outpour my cancer battle, how it affects me, my daily routine. plus, it looks like it is a good way to past the time as chemo continues to squash my usual energetic & happy self. also, i have always enjoyed recalling what i felt at a certain time of my life. yes, i am guilty of those girly diaries. my first serious one is actually 20 years old now. Highs chool days were meant to be the best part of one's growth/ development and re-reading those diaries look like they were fun. i find it so funny how dramatic i was in ensuring the diary didn't get to the wrong hands.

so one aspect i guess which bothers me a bit right now is the "confidentiality" issue. i consider myself to be a very private person. it therefore looks like balancing the openness/ honesty of this blog and solid realistic details (names of ppl, places etc) is going to be a challenge. But hey, maybe the tricks in creating those work arounds will be part of the fun.